Channelling Mr Toad

I’m sick and tired of getting insolent stares from monkeys I’ve always been under the impression that we evolved from monkeys, and not the other way around, so I don’t know what they’ve got to feel so superior about. One minute they’re staring down their nose at you or flaunting their crotch in a so-what-are-you-going-to-do-about-it…

My three year-old terrorists were back under the table this week.   But this time they built a barricade of chairs to stop me getting anywhere near them.  It was just like a scene from Les Misérables … with me as Javert, obviously.  But I quite like the idea of playing the baddie – it’s…

Life in the expat staff common room is certainly different.  Last week we were all given sheets of Shakespearean insults and instructed to use them at all possible opportunities – presumably to underline our own Englishness and to enrich the students’ vocabulary. And we all have to have our own boxing ring entry music.  This…

I was very impressed a few years ago when Olivia managed to dismantle two single beds and then reassemble them in another room, using just a spoon and a knife.  It struck me then that cutlery is very much more versatile than it would have us believe; just lying there passively on a table for…

Imagine the excitement of reading a review in Time Out of a fab new cocktail bar, and then discovering that it’s just around the corner! As soon as I’d read it, I was determined to visit The Pawn Room, but it’s one of the new, secret, speakeasy-style bars, which are very difficult to find.  In…

With less than two weeks to go before the eagerly anticipated public holiday to mark the King’s birthday, he changed the date … again! I wondered what would happen in other countries if a public holiday was changed at such short notice … rioting in the streets, probably.  Here they just shrug and accept it,…

As a belated celebration of Ascot, Henley, Wimbledon and the whole English summer season, I hosted a Pimm’s party last night. I had originally planned it for 4 July – but an American friend cut up rough about that … can’t think why. I held my ground, insisting that 4 July was a perfect day…

I went on my first jungle hike this week. ‘Don’t pee in the forest,’ Frankie said sternly as he drove us out to the jungle. I promised that I wouldn’t, thinking that this was a very sensible rule, given all the snakes and spiders and other nasties that you wouldn’t want to find attached to…

I’m starting to realise that I’ve never been particularly vain;  I’ve always prioritised being healthy and in (relatively) good shape, rather than wanting to look 20 years younger than I am. This approach to life, which I can only attribute to serendipity rather than wisdom, must have saved me shedloads of cash and endless trauma…

No expat should pass up the opportunity to spend a couple of days in hospital in another country, just to enhance the immersive experience. My weekend jaunt to the local private hospital cost about as much as a weekend at the Dorchester, and was considerably less fun. The view from my room wasn’t bad But…

As W.C. Fields so memorably said, ‘Never work with children or animals.’ Actually, I need to be careful what I say here, because Mr Toad is reading over my shoulder and he has a very disapproving expression on his face. So I will concentrate on the ‘not working with children’ bit, and leave animals out…

Today marks the end of Ramadan, and in the true spirit of Malaysian gourmandising we decided to go to an all-you-can-eat brunch. Our choice of venue – a prosecco and pork extravaganza – wasn’t exactly in keeping with Islamic principles, but the intention was there. Then on to a gin palace, where behaviour deteriorated somewhat…

Manglish is an English-based creole used in Malaysia. They also use British English, which is considered to be a second language rather than a foreign language in Malaysia, but it is a very idiosyncratic type of British English and takes some getting used to. For a start they use some very quaint words and expressions,…

I knew Ramadan was going to be a big thing in Malaysia when I saw that Tesco was selling special Ramadan boxes of tissues – Hari Raya is the Malay name for Eid, which will be celebrated next Sunday after a month of fasting. In the daytime, it’s difficult to notice much difference, as most…

Returning from my whirlwind trip back to the UK last week, I had a bizarre encounter with an amorous travel agent at the airport as I waited for my cab. Me: No, I’m not going to meet you for a glass of wine, I’m afraid. Him: Please don’t worry, I’m afraid too. … not exactly…

I can’t believe that I’d never heard of Plate Culture until last week. And now that I’ve become a devotee, I can’t believe that it only exists in SE Asia – it’s such a fantastic idea. At the risk of being accused of epicurean evangelism, let me try to convert you. If you’re lucky enough…

One thing I love about living in a big city is that there’s so much going on and so much choice; whether it’s restaurants, bars, hip coffee shops, music venues, karaoke bars, exercise classes … just scroll through the options and you’ll find one that’s just perfect for you. Having spent the past ten years…

Is there anything more rewarding in this life than teaching three-year-olds?  Watching little eyes open in wonder?  Seeing young minds flourish and blossom? Yes, is the resounding answer to that question … a long list of things actually, starting with herding cats, and ending with painting the Forth Road Bridge or pushing a boulder endlessly…

Did you know that every market in Malaysia has at least one jungle stall? No – neither did I – until yesterday, when I went on a cookery course which began with a trip to the market. The market is literally within spitting distance – and I can’t spit very far – of the school…